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Have it all and have none of it..

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To hold water in the crevice of your palms,
but not drink it.

To see your reflection in the mirror,
but not touch it.

To see hundreds of people around you,
but not be with them.

To go crazy with the ache within,
but not locate it.

To be in love with the idea of being in love,
but not be in love.

To help, help, and help,
but feel helpless.

To see that steam rise up from the broth,
but not smell it.

To lap up food like you were starving
but not taste a thing.

To have it all,
but to believe you never had any of it.

Mrigtrishna…

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Time to wait again

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Tears,

empty cups of coffee,

photos strewn across the floor…some half torn, some rat bitten, some faded beyond recognition,

a pale reflection in the mirror that danced around with the fading light for the day

intentions, to pick up that broken shard of glass and slice it through the heart that kept beating in vain

a mind, not foolish enough to follow the burning urge

aspirations, that no longer made sense

defeat, that stood towering before; blurring all vision

time to wait again…

for another long night to pass by

for the Sun to rise again.

All that hopeless hope

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It refuses to settle down

this turmoil within.

It refuses to show up

this conflict that won’t let me rest.

Can we sit and talk about this?

I’ll tell you everything from scratch, clear my head up and move on

Move on yet again.

Well no, let’s not sit and talk about this.

What am I going to tell you?

That I was sure?

Again?

Will I tell you about how good it all seemed in such a short span?

Again?

Or should I first tell you about how there is nothing left anymore?

Again.

If I tell you that, I will also have to tell you about how I am not falling apart.

Not yet.

I know this isn’t forever. The show does go on.

But do you know how it gets tiring after a point?

so tiring that even the temptation of a happy ending does not push you take that first step.

And you begin to wonder if that final stop is really worth the journey.

Yes, it is.

Even those journeys that don’t have clear destinations matter.

Whatever happened to the importance of the means and not just the end?

Sometimes this is a good consolation for the brain.

And it sure is a brilliant strategy for those who don’t make it

Makes you believe it wasn’t a complete loss.

At least for a while it does.

Before you begin to question yourself.

And then all the what-ifs make their presence felt.

And the mind conjures all the alternate realities that are anything but better than what you have in your hands now.

So maybe we can sit and talk about all this.

Because talking about anything else seems futile

Talking about how easily I begin to dream

or about how lonely it gets at times

or maybe about the frustration of starting over each time

Aren’t all these discussions futile?

That is what is going to happen anyway.

So let us not sit together. Let us not talk.

I am done with the talking.

I am done with being vulnerable.

But I am not sure if I have used up all that hopeless hope yet!

I don’t know where to look

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Late into the night, having dropped off a few friends back into the safety of their homes, I parked the car and rushed back home, trying to save myself from the cold daft. The beauty of the cold night was not lost on me though. I hugged myself tight and looked up as I walked in through the building gates. Stars.

A tiny sigh escaped me just as soon as I saw them. Somehow, they’ve never let me down in feeling awed and happy.

The happiness felt incomplete though; something’s been missing off late. There is a smile, but it doesn’t last too long. There is an interest, a lingering one. I look forward to things, only to see the fire douse out midway somewhere.

These are the tears that show up when a little alcohol makes its way through you. The kind of happiness that feels like an effort. The kind of contentment that envelops a longing within.

That voice within, the one that tries its best to not be heard, has been rather persistent off late. It may have been a simple want at some point, but maybe not just so anymore. Did I say a tiny voice? That is probably a way of expression that helps me feel a little less worse. Because when I let myself be in tune with that voice, it aches within. The kind of ache that rocks your entire being. The kind of longing that is physical, and yet has no target.

I know what I long for, I don’t know where to look though.

I know how much I need this right now, but that doesn’t change my reality.

I yearn for that one moment where I’ll feel whole.

I am growing impatient to be able to move on with life and get myself back.

But this time, getting myself back feels like a task I can’t attain myself anymore.

Maybe I can. But I choose not to.

I want to dance a crazy dance with a hand resting on my back lightly, ready to hold me if I miss a step. I want to fight the world on my own as fiercely as before, but with an assurance of having someone to fall back upon when I am tired. I want to drive the car and be the one to drop everyone off safely, but with someone to sit by my side and enjoy the music with me while I do that. I want to run the show still, as badly as ever before, but with someone around to appreciate the act.

I know what I long for, I really do. I just don’t know where to look anymore.

2014 in review

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The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 290 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 5 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Will we find our way back together this time?

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When you have someone trailing your path,

it is thought to be a good idea to set a good example.

I wasn’t looking for an exemplary set-up to follow.

Fortunately, I managed some bit of learning and thinking on the way..

But you know what I missed?

I have yearned all this while to feel normal.

Yes, it was as simple a need as normalcy.

You wouldn’t call it too much to ask for, by any chance, would you?

Glad, we agree on this!

Do you know where things went wrong? Do you know what you could have done instead?

Sitting and talking instead of the melodramatic outbursts,

Using safer targets than the family (the only one you have) to say that you’re angry

Being more respectful about the mere fact that everyone is a human in their own rights

Avoiding emotional threats that rob one of the sense of warmth and security.

What is normal, you ask?

Normal is in simple things in life.

Normal is having dinner together, going out for a walk and licking an ice-cream on the way back.

Normal is spending time with people you like, even if that means adjusting your schedules a tiny bit.

It is about staying sober long enough to know what your family is all about..

Normal is when everyone is ready to act on a single person’s whim.

Normal is also falling asleep without the fear of having to wake up to screams and fights and beatings.

Normal is also being home, all the time, without the fear of being thrown out at one person’s fancy.

Why go back on everything that’s past, though..

Now and the next are what matter

And that is why I hope (sometimes with a lot of difficulty, though) that maybe I will get a glimpse of my normal someday.

You know how they say ‘don’t be so evil that people doubt any act of kindness coming from you’

That’s what I say too – don’t take us so far out with this that we all forget our way back, together.

 

Your story needs to go on..

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Just like you do,

I have been wondering too.

What about your story is so important to me?

Am I being loyal because we promised to be friends for life?

Am I being supportive because I know you need someone around right now?

Maybe this is where I show what I mean when I say we are best friends?

Or maybe not.

Maybe its got to do with how much dreams mean to me,

Maybe its about how much I want a miracle for you

It is important because you deserve better..

Because one is supposed to wait only as much for something one has always wanted

Maybe also because my love biases me in your favour

But also because its fair..

Its fair to have a happy ending for a story that has been going up and down always

Its fair to ask for a little something when you have gradually accepted all that came your way

Fair? Its rightful to want a payback for all those times when you have suffered in silence and kept yourself going with the hope of a better tomorrow.

Deep down within, I know why this story needs to go on.

There is more than one person here who needs the faith and hope to go on.

 

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