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Cannot act the same anymore…

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Boundaries between people can change so rapidly
Where you once simply walked in as you liked
Is where you now hesitate,
Step closer but don’t enter
Have the urge to reach out
But withdraw again
You wonder whether you’re allowed anymore
Whether you’re needed anymore
And sadly, how you feel is not what helps you choose
Not anymore; that is not the guiding factor
It becomes awkward
Because the boundaries have moved
Between two people, they can move within moments
Following even brief conversations
Undoing what took several months to put together
Such rapid changes are hard to adjust to
And that is when you find yourself to be a little lost
You feel the same, but you cannot act the same anymore

That light within

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Only when you turn off the lights, do you see those stars shine in the dark night sky
And yet we resist so much,
The darkness,
Because it brings to light all that we have been trying to keep at bay,
Funny, this irony
The darkness that brings things to light
Those times we hesitated,
The fears we harboured,
The times we avoid thinking about
Because they are too precious to lose at the risk of reliving them

But the light does nothing to resolve
It merely lets you avoid
Things that you must face when you turn off the lights and close your eyes
In those moments when you start to fall asleep
And before you actually do,
Is when the dark descends
Do what you may, it does

So stop running towards the light
It isn’t the only way out
You need the darkness within
To appreciate the light without
And the darkness around
To be able to identify the light within

‘Light’

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The light that filters our existence

The light that filters our existence

In the darkness that surrounds us all

there is an inevitable need for light

the one that illuminates the good parts now and then

we need that light to tell us that not all is lost yet

And when it feels like there is no tomorrow left,

that there will never be another smile on our faces

that we will forever be groping for a way out

we will need that light to tell us a different story..

The one and only ‘love’

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That night as I walked back home having broken up, it had seemed like nothing would ever feel worse. Probably today, six years later, I know I was being too quick to judge.

A few days later, I had also concluded that I had lost my capacity to feel the love ever again. This had to be it. I was now doomed to be lonely for life. Six years later, that story turned out differently too.

So I have learned through bitter experiences that neither the good parts nor the bad ones are to be permanent. I have been liking people, maybe feeling the love and I have experienced much deeper pains than what I felt that night.

But there’s something that bothers me because it doesn’t seem to have changed with these experiences – the surprise. Whether its about growing close to a person or drifting away, there is a recurrent element of surprise, as if something not-supposed-to-happen was unfolding before me.

Why?

Why does there have to be a hold over the future and where will a relationship end (or not)?

Why can’t that one powerful conversation with someone be an expression of love that lasted for as much time?

Wherever it comes from, most of us have a strong urge to classify people and interactions in slots that make sense to us. In doing this, the most important aspect – of being mindful in a relationship – is lost. We become experts in judging the other person’s intentions and use their reactions and behaviours to tell us what it implies for the future of that relationship.

Therein lies a major mistake. Those judgements and assumptions, instead of the actual experiences, set the tone of how we behave and perceive that relationship.

How much would being in the here and now really hurt? Maybe not as much as we fear, and maybe much worse than what we have imagined. But in any case, being guarded doesn’t entirely keep the pain away. It instead manages to sabotage the possible beautiful interactions.

Next time maybe don’t hold yourself back from blushing when you feel appreciated. Don’t try to not express what you feel because you aren’t yet sure about ‘where is this going’. Say what you feel and get those urges out into actions.

Whether you’re beginning to feel drawn towards someone or whether you need to bury some memories, remember they are just one of the several such moments that your life is woven with.

Falling in love once and being there forever is just one of the possibilities in this lifetime, not the only one.

Ease..unease..

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As you settled into bed that night and held my hand as you drifted off into a comfortable sleep, I grew uneasy.

Your ease, your comfort disarmed me. I was in a fitful, restless state that night. I mostly lay awake till you woke up with that early morning call. Not because you snored right into my ears. Not even because I felt unwell. Those reasons didn’t seem to matter enough.

I couldn’t sleep because your ease led to my unease.

How does one give oneself to another so easily? How does one be oneself with another? Physical nakedness seems okay. How does one come undone before another from within? How does one fall asleep in the assurance of the other’s arms; without the fear of losing that warmth?

What is it like to gracefully accept love and not be embarrassed in the expression of that soft, tiny glow?
Maybe it feels like you want to savour every moment that passes by; like you would slowly take in the last spoonful of your favourite ice cream.
Maybe it feels warm within, the kind of warmth that makes you smile wihout a reason.
Maybe it feels like a big mistake at times, that you’ll probably never regret committing
Maybe it gives one the strength to keep moving on..
Maybe it feels light..to live in the awareness that you will be loved despite all that you will choose to do and not do..

I don’t know if I there will be such a night ever again. But I want you to know, as much as I want myself to know, that I have never felt so tender, so vulnerable ever before. My defenses might get the better of me ahead at some point. I might resist coming closer again. I will probably wander a little more still. But know this for good – you brought in a sense of vulnerability I didn’t know I was capable of.
What one’s gesture of comfort can do to another’s extent of discomfort is sometimes magical..

Letting out sometimes

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It’s an enviable ability
To express yourself
To express what you’re thinking just the way you’re thinking it..
To let your face project what you feel within..
To crib with the assurance of not being put down for it..
To be able to show the disgust you feel at something..
To let your brows furrow in anger that otherwise would eat you up within..
To shrug off all responsibilities for a while and let yourself be frustrated..
To tell someone when you disagree with them instead of the mechanic nod..
To pause and let others know what you need..
To be able to ask for help..

One needs to be able to accept to be able to express. Accept themselves the way they are. Accept their feelings the way they feel them. Accept that expressions of fear, shame, disgust or disappointment do not mean a permanent damage to relationships. Accept that there are people who might never approve. Accept that you have a choice – to express. And that choice might bring along consequences that may only increase discomfort. But they allow you a certain freedom as well.
Once in a while, we can do ourselves a favour; let out what needs to be let out.

That happy ending?

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This fear that I talk about – the one that doesn’t let me hope easily – sounds unrealistic at times. I do realize that. The ups and downs are just a part and parcel of everyone’s lives. After all, these are all experiences one goes through while growing up, right?

No, they aren’t.

Growing up with a constant fear of things falling apart if you were to look away..

Having your guards up all the time to ward off the slightest presence of danger..

Being on the lookout for tiffs that can be fanned into full blown fires..

To fear being embarrassed when you’re out with your own people..

To know their dirty secrets, listen to everything nasty about them, but smile and pretend otherwise..

To turn a blind eye towards all those marks, bruises, and signs of loss..

To have your game face on all the time because no one understood, neither within those doors, or without..

Having to curl up and hug yourself hard while your tears gently eased you into that uncomfortable sleep..

Not allowing yourself to slow down for the fear of coming to a halt altogether..

Trying your best and finding it hard to believe when people talk about happy endings..

These are not the regular experiences one grows up with. When you know that your scars run deep enough to colour everything you’ll experience in life, you know something went wrong on the way. I find it hard to think about happy endings thus. Too many guards that are drawn into action to ward off all possible danger.

What is the possible danger with a happy ending, you wonder? …that it might never be mine.

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