For far too long now, I have held on to the grudge. I haven’t let you go. I haven’t let your touch wash off. I haven’t let those moments leave my mind. I haven’t let go of my anger. In time and space I have moved on. But in my mind, it seems to have frozen right there. The way I felt, the way I didn’t feel. That fear and disgust. That guilt. They haven’t left me yet entirely.
You violated me in a way that was too personal and close. An offense that would not easily leave me, in my mind, in my body.
You took for granted a very basic permission that was never given to you. You assumed to be your’s what wasn’t up for use. You left marks that were not visible but burnt the same. You helped me create a bridge with those around me.

I was never given the satisfaction of seeing you punished. Punished? I was never even granted the relief of seeing you accused for your own faults. They got lost in the folds of relationships somewhere, of blood and society. My cries and disgust slowly found themselves wrapped in the cloak of time and secrecy. Those times when I found the voice and courage to express, you looked away, and so did the others. I bore the shame of those moments and the pride of being my own saviour equally privately. I was (and am) willing to take the risk of making that shame public only to be able to feel that pride openly as well.
I have deeply hated your smiles, the times you have looked happy, the times I have been compelled to consider you to be a part of the family, the times I have had to be associated with you. I have hated how you never seemed to face any troubles, while I seethed within. I have felt suffocated in your presence.

You were the one who made the mistake, you were the one who took for granted way too many things and yet I was the one paying for it – in my mind, in the way I felt, in the way I stayed away. It was unfair. And that is probably an understatement. It is something I have hated for far too long.

I choose to let it go for good though. I will never look at you with any respect, of course. I have no qualms in disliking you and your presence each time I have to face you. I will never trust you, nor understand those who do. But there is something I will do, however. I will be calm; in my body and mind. I don’t need to boil within anymore. I do not need to shed tears of frustration and anger when I am forced to be around you. I am not going to feel disappointed in those who could have helped, but didn’t; they were doing what they knew best. I am not going to waste my breath on cursing you anymore or trying to catch you in the bad light for others to see.

I am going to walk ahead this point onward. I need love, not the hate and regrets. I might always feel sad about the past. But I will find the strength to be myself each time. It is sad that you will never understand what it takes to forgive someone. I hadn’t known it all this while either. I do now. And it gives me the space to breathe.

I am going to breathe. Deeply. And live.

Advertisements