This fear that I talk about – the one that doesn’t let me hope easily – sounds unrealistic at times. I do realize that. The ups and downs are just a part and parcel of everyone’s lives. After all, these are all experiences one goes through while growing up, right?

No, they aren’t.

Growing up with a constant fear of things falling apart if you were to look away..

Having your guards up all the time to ward off the slightest presence of danger..

Being on the lookout for tiffs that can be fanned into full blown fires..

To fear being embarrassed when you’re out with your own people..

To know their dirty secrets, listen to everything nasty about them, but smile and pretend otherwise..

To turn a blind eye towards all those marks, bruises, and signs of loss..

To have your game face on all the time because no one understood, neither within those doors, or without..

Having to curl up and hug yourself hard while your tears gently eased you into that uncomfortable sleep..

Not allowing yourself to slow down for the fear of coming to a halt altogether..

Trying your best and finding it hard to believe when people talk about happy endings..

These are not the regular experiences one grows up with. When you know that your scars run deep enough to colour everything you’ll experience in life, you know something went wrong on the way. I find it hard to think about happy endings thus. Too many guards that are drawn into action to ward off all possible danger.

What is the possible danger with a happy ending, you wonder? …that it might never be mine.