Late into the night, having dropped off a few friends back into the safety of their homes, I parked the car and rushed back home, trying to save myself from the cold daft. The beauty of the cold night was not lost on me though. I hugged myself tight and looked up as I walked in through the building gates. Stars.

A tiny sigh escaped me just as soon as I saw them. Somehow, they’ve never let me down in feeling awed and happy.

The happiness felt incomplete though; something’s been missing off late. There is a smile, but it doesn’t last too long. There is an interest, a lingering one. I look forward to things, only to see the fire douse out midway somewhere.

These are the tears that show up when a little alcohol makes its way through you. The kind of happiness that feels like an effort. The kind of contentment that envelops a longing within.

That voice within, the one that tries its best to not be heard, has been rather persistent off late. It may have been a simple want at some point, but maybe not just so anymore. Did I say a tiny voice? That is probably a way of expression that helps me feel a little less worse. Because when I let myself be in tune with that voice, it aches within. The kind of ache that rocks your entire being. The kind of longing that is physical, and yet has no target.

I know what I long for, I don’t know where to look though.

I know how much I need this right now, but that doesn’t change my reality.

I yearn for that one moment where I’ll feel whole.

I am growing impatient to be able to move on with life and get myself back.

But this time, getting myself back feels like a task I can’t attain myself anymore.

Maybe I can. But I choose not to.

I want to dance a crazy dance with a hand resting on my back lightly, ready to hold me if I miss a step. I want to fight the world on my own as fiercely as before, but with an assurance of having someone to fall back upon when I am tired. I want to drive the car and be the one to drop everyone off safely, but with someone to sit by my side and enjoy the music with me while I do that. I want to run the show still, as badly as ever before, but with someone around to appreciate the act.

I know what I long for, I really do. I just don’t know where to look anymore.

Advertisements