Funnily, there comes a time in life when you are just somehow aversive to waiting and taking chances. We all reach our thresholds at different times of course. Some of us maybe never do. We might not even be at that edge for just everything at the same time. There are these tough points in life when the patience does wear off, at least a bit.

When you think a lot about something, and end devoting a major amount of your time to the same idea repeatedly, you reach that point of becoming almost cold to it. Your mind kicks into an autopilot mode then and the cycle of thoughts repeats itself, without much effort on your part, at the relevant times. And then of course you expect the exact same outcome at such times too! The cycle after all is on auto pilot and thus it becomes difficult to integrate any new piece of information and allow it to settle in with the existing mindset and facts. Two sides of each coin! This coin too comes along with its own share of good-s and bad-s. The two sides here aren’t exactly a path breaking discovery that I have made and thus I move on with the assumption that the discussion is done with already.

What I would rather talk about is what happens when you face a person or situation who refuses to settle down into that well carved and perfectly defined cycle of your’s. It is unsettling, yes. And I would say ‘unsettled’ is probably a very small way of putting it. It can move up to the extent of creating a havoc in your mind, the one that you had spent so time much taming! I don’t know whether the havoc is good or bad. I guess that judgment lies more appropriately on the consequence. Or maybe, the judgement lies in how well were you able to get around / through it. But that judgement, too can rest on one aside.

The more interesting part is understanding the tumult that arises within. There is that part of you that probably wanted to live in continual hope of the life being that fairy tale you had imagined it to be. It was mostly subdued by the more rational you that always wants to be realistic and have a control of the things around. And then come along these aforementioned unsettling events that get you to think if you had ever really managed to get over it.

These events that somehow throw you off balance have a way of providing insight in themselves. You realize how much you had been living in the constant fear of wanting to save yourself from further hurt and break downs. You realize how much you had been craving for those very risk-involving experiences nonetheless! You are in touch with that part of you that wasn’t really convinced deep down. But then you are also aware of the part of you that cringes at the possibilities of things falling apart yet again. You are aware of how much at the brink you are, of not allowing yourself to hope again lest it is just another in the series of things going wrong. You want immediate answers. You want to know exactly what is involved if you were to plunge in and go ahead. You want to know just about everything you can, in the here and now just so that maybe that once you can allow yourself to have that picture perfect experience that you have always been imagining.

But alas, this play of words, this running away from reality because you are scared of being let down again, this seeking of guarantees, this childlike want to be taken care of and protected, are probably the very few things that also take away from the thrills life comes along with.

It is most definitely is easier to be sure of the outcome and only then trying something out. But the possibility of discovering a side of you that you probably weren’t too aware about, is quite a thrilling one. And maybe it would lead to an outcome that never even existed on your list of possibilities and wishes.

But then again, there are always these two voices in your head all the time. And then you quite obviously don’t allow yourself to feel sorted and sure very easily. Today, I wold rather be with the side of me that seeks some sort of certainty about what is going to happen ahead. Today, I want to be told what is going to happen next so that I can allow myself to go ahead and hope for what I so badly hope for anyway!

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