There is something out there in the Universe that communicates with you when you most need it. It could be a simple quote you come across while surfing, which makes your day. It could be a random line that you read in a book, which probably gives you the strength to hold on. It could even be lyrics that float in through the window and make you feel like someone out there understands exactly how you feel.

It makes me happy to hold such an idea. To end up smiling in the most random of ways when I see that I have struck a chord with the space that I inhabit. Something similar happened yesterday. I came across certain questions that I believed I didn’t have anymore; questions that I had assumed had resolved with time. But I guess it was more about having gotten used to them being a part of me. When faced with something adverse and discomforting, humans do that which they are best at, adapt and move ahead. I did the same. Adapted and moved on.

But then it was one of those times when someone really close stirred up those questions, stirred up that unease and restlessness of not having found all answers, stirred up a disturbance strong enough for me to push myself into the mode of over-thinking.

I can say I am a happy, bread-earning and a friendly adult. Well, for the most part, I am happy, yes. But then there are times when it becomes difficult to convince yourself of the stories you have been spinning for yourself. The stories that you have been learning up so well, lest you see through your defenses. Sometimes however, it is good when you are unable to hide behind your own masks and pretenses.

I had once read somewhere – if everyone around is happy with you, you would have made a lot of compromises in life. This holds, so true. There are my kind of people who are happier swimming in calm waters, at any cost. I would rather accept not being able to do certain things than having to ruffle too many feathers and having to answer the ‘whys’ and ‘hows’. But then this does not always really lead you to a path of mental peace and happiness. Though again, happiness itself is a subjective and elusive term!

Well, so yesterday I came across the questions that the rebel in me had often asked. This rebel is not the kinds that wants to fight for causes and bring about societal changes. This rebel is that quiet one that gets surprised every time personal gains are forsaken to avoid conflicts! What would I choose when it came to making a tough choice between what I would really want and what I would do to avoid the unpleasant? And that jolt was big, like a bang that the choice was intended to induce.

It is unnerving to realize that you have been doing something that you have so vehemently been opposing as an idea even. To choose an alternative not because you really seek it, but to choose it because you would rather avoid the alternatives? That makes as much sense as a novel would to an illiterate! But I have been doing that. I have been choosing the nothing, the compromised way out, the easier way out because I would rather avoid the conflict that might follow. And at such instances, the human brain displays its evolved greatness! We are actually able to judge the intensity of the impact of an outcome that ‘might’ occur.

This expression isn’t about how I successfully overcame a negative habit of mine. This is not even about how a friend emerged heroic with a save. This is a simple confession of a realization, an expression of the dissonance when you come to face the inner you (slightly dusty) and self that you carry around (bright and shiny).

Sometimes, one needs a stronger jolt for certain things in life. And maybe that is why I watched a movie yesterday that just re-iterated how certain this uncertainty in life is. It reminded me of how sometimes you just need to dive in, take the plunge without knowing what is going to happen next; without knowing whether you’ll be able to swim through in the current; without even knowing if people around you approve of the plunge or even whether this is going to be one of the foolish most decisions of your life!

“Kabhi kabhi galat train bhi sahi raste pe le jaati hai” (sometimes, even a wrong train takes you on the right path). But you’ll probably never find out unless you board a train, unless you let yourself off the hook for a while, unless you allow your inner voice to guide you.

Some stories don’t end, nor do some thought processes. This doesn’t either. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it is incomplete.

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