Funny thing, this death is.

Someone I knew committed suicide. Few hours later,  I am still struggling to understand what is my reaction to it. Of course I was jolted out of my senses. I had that sinking feeling one gets when you don’t want to believe something at all. My heart beats quickened and I kept thinking I could just close my eyes, shut out the world and everything will be back to normal when I’ll open them again. That quite naturally didn’t happen. Then there was a stunned silence. Then I tried to say out loud, what I had just heard over the phone. And that time I realized how difficult was it to utter the that name and the word suicide in the same breath.

I can now say I know how it feels when the wind is blown out of you. I felt almost choked and out of breath in simply breaking that piece of information to those around. Death. Suicide. End of a lifetime. End of an entire, alive and kicking individual. Just like that.

The mind is a funny thing in itself too. How we conjure the weakest of possibilities and turn them into full fledged ‘what ifs’ in a matter of seconds. I kept observing myself through every moment since I felt the shock. I moved from disbelief, to a feeling of despair to a grudging acceptance of the turn of events. And then I made it worse for myself. All I could do was picture her all around me, in her routine motions that she ‘would’ have engaged in had she been alive. And I felt terrible.

It led me to mull over how unpredictable this life is. How unpredictable people really are. I could go on reading and talking about depression, deaths, psychoses, suicides all my life, and I would still never move towards being immunized from the same.

Death, an untimely one, is the all more the horrifying to contemplate and come to terms with. It is easier to console yourself with accidents, strokes or illnesses. Maybe it was the fate; what can one do; we are all going to die someday anyway.

But suicides are different. That intention to want to kill oneself is scary. Without even thinking about or judging the reasons, the very thought and act of harming oneself makes me feel I might never be prepared enough to get used to the idea, like maybe I’m to terrorism and rape-ism now.

I was angry at one point. From all that I went through and well, am going through, anger is an important part of it. How dare she! And well, I could go on with this track but that is not really going to help make peace.

What I am desperate for is that sense of closure. I want to know what happened. I want to know what drove her till the edge. I want to know how were her last few hours. I want to know if I could helped in some way that could have maybe changed what happened. I want to know what went so wrong that every other thought and aspect of life must have seemed insignificant. I want to know how she died. I want to change the way bade goodbye when we last met each other.I want to see her body once to really accept that she’s gone. I want to see her before the very body that was her burns away.

I want to be told that this is really just a nightmare, that I can wake up how I knew things to be. I want to held like a child and told that this world is a safe place to be in where people are all good, happy and healthy. I want to wake up to a day where nothing goes wrong in any corner of my country. I don’t want people to die due to unfair means and ways. I don’t want rapes; I don’t want thefts; I don’t want riots; I don’t want slashes and gunshots; I don’t want suicides. I don’t want death.

Funny thing, this death is. It brings out a part of me that I keep thinking has grown up; grown up into an almost cold and mechanical member of this society who is used to things going wrong almost every hour.

But maybe not, not just yet.

I’ll never know what pushed her over the edge. I’ll never know whether anything could have changed what happened. I’ll never ever see her again. This one part of life will just remain different permanently now. And I’ll make my peace with it. Make my peace with the fact that people are different and that they have different ways of dealing with things too.

I will do this so that I continue to help those that I can.

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