If I read it one more time, I will probably never post it, and thus break my promise to myself!

I had another of those epiphanies today while talking to a friend. I was expressing my doubts about a certain aspect of our future lives and she said I should continue to dream. Feeling a strong grudge towards life and a sort of pessimism, I answered back saying it really hurts later if I dream today. I was pretty much silenced into questioning myself with my friend’s reply. She said “those who don’t dream much don’t have much”.

Without getting into debating the statement itself, I want to move onto what struck me so hard about this particular line. It reminded me of me from sometime back. Now I’m not exactly a 100 year old lady who gets nostalgic every now and then, but I sure have crossed a few good phases of life so far and thus have the opportunity to be able to re-visit parts of my life every now and then.

Simultaneously, I also came across a TED debate that ran on the lines ‘what would want to tell your younger you today?’

I have to admit, these acted as strong enough signs to get me to sit down seriously and face myself, after quite a bit of dodging around.

Of late, I have noticed a pattern of complains, comfort and criticizing almost everything that I come across. I wish I could wave this off as PMS-ing, but oh well; for once hormones don’t seem to be the culprit.

I believe this kind of a negative and pessimistic outlook towards the things and people around, is a fall out of taking life a little too seriously. What happened to that student who cared mainly about her own performance? How about the need to sit down with friends to crack a case and figure out what exactly was the diagnosis? What about the ability to be able to shut off thoughts about work and studies, once the assignments were drawn and written? How did I allow myself to be drawn in to the whole idea of proving myself to someone outside of me? When did the focus shift from expressing myself to trying to figure out the ‘right’ things to be said? Why did it become a test of my ability to establish myself somewhere than just doing what I have always loved? It essentially boils down to just one big question? When did what I do, become ‘work’?

When you stop being true to yourself and try to convince yourself of things that you don’t really believe in, what results is angst, irritation or dissatisfaction. That I believe more or less sums up the troubles I’m facing. The cycle is amazingly simple, yet addictive. You do something that you don’t like and therefore you do it grudgingly. Now that you have done it with so much enthusiasm, you feel dissatisfied with the output because to begin with, you never put in your 100%. So when you realize your productivity is declining, you get mad at yourself, further affecting your mood and enthusiasm towards the same work! And then we sit and wonder what hit us!

If I were to run into my younger self at this point, I would really want to say only one thing to myself, ‘never lose your transparency; the rest you’ll figure out on your way, just like I did’.

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